No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.