Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.