No point crayon over spilled milk.
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
