No point crayon over spilled milk.
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The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
bat life
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.