“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
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When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’m holding off buying a robot vacuum, until my robot is filthy.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*