Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

Straight people are cancelled