Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

Another interesting #factupdates post!

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.