No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
me when I see my crush
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.