Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.