Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new