No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
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Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on