No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.