No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Hoping to spice up my evening
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon