No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.