Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

S/o to @funTweeters .

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.