Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Best mom ever 😂

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree