We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Breaking news:
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.