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Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.