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8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.