Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.