no regrets
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.