No regrets in 2018
You Might Also Like
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD