Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.