Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

Well, shit

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

*files a restraining order against reality*

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.