No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
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People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Breaking news:
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?