Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

How do I get a job writing these texts

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”