Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Guy who likes music

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

Stop.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left