No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
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I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.