“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
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I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
The happy life.. 😊
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face