Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

lost dog

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer