Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!