Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

I miss this era type of pranks😭

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK