NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
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BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…