No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
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Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Bear
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.