No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.