No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
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Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Do not steal food from the science building!
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.