Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Today’s Times

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.