Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.