No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
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German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I only eat vegetarians.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!