No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
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Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Me if I was a dog
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”