No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?