No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
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The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are