No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Rambo Rambow
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?