No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
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Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Born to be mild.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
