Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Always a housemaid, never a house.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.