No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
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Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”