No selfies while hijacking a train.
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.