No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you