Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

*Good Will Hunting*

Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?

me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.