@RunOldMan

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

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@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

@AtticusFinch79

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

@lil_aracuan

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

@JohnnyCrash5

*Eats a Lean Cuisine

*20 minutes go by.

*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.

@iGreenMonk

This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down.

I bet he never tried smashing it over someone’s head.

@ozzyunc

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.

@BadJordon

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

@JediGigi

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.