No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.