Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
*Eats a Lean Cuisine
*20 minutes go by.
*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down.
I bet he never tried smashing it over someone’s head.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance: the five stages of watching them put lettuce on your sandwich at Subway.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.