Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.