Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there