Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

who called it hell and not heaven’t

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

[the middle of showering] I need a break

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

we all know this pain all too well

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are