NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
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Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
This one’s “Alex”.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??