No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
You Might Also Like
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
constantly working on myself.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Lmao 🤣
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
What
🤣
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.