No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
catch me on valentine’s day like
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.