No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
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Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!