No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
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Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.