“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.