“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?