“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.