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you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad