no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
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ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Where’s my employee discount too?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Become ungovernable.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.