no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground