no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
You Might Also Like
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Word!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I need to get some bricks…
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.