Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

こいつ天才

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing