no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*