Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read