no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 馃槶
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
the greatest twitter interaction
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 馃く OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Turns out pizza has everything I鈥檓 looking for in a woman
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that鈥檚 illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I鈥檒l take it from here boys
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what鈥檚 upstairs
Me: stairs don鈥檛 talk
