No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
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My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
tinder is all about the long game
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Saturday
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own