Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.