“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
aesthetic
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.