No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one