No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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Wait a minute…
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
HOW DARE YOU
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
me hitting on a model
Bear knowledge
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!