No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
A choir of Spring onions
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Oh deer
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..