@XLToast

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

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@Mom_Overboard

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

@tastefactory

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

@envydatropic

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

@hazelmotes1

I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery

@markhoppus

I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”

@adamgreattweet

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

@Donna_McCoy

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

@Jake_Vig

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.