Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery
I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.