Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!