No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
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Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.